Hello, I must be going.
I cannot stay,
I came to say
I must be going.
I'm glad I came
but just the same
I must be going.

Forgive me for being indecisive here -- but I can now finally commit to this being my last JCPondering.

If I was so moved... why I'd write a piece about how the current coupon scheme/scam doesn't really matter.  With the recent overall/out of control hike in prices -- compelling prices are simply gone.  Even with coupons. 

If I was so moved... why I'd write a long critical piece about how returning CEO Ullman has failed to praise everything Ron Johnson got right.  And the pathetic press is finally picking up on that.  That Ron really did a lot of great things for JCP.  Ullman has been silent too long, and that silence speaks volumes.

If I was so moved... why I'd write an advice piece about JCPenney abandoning all of its stores.  Every last one.  Selling them to raise massive capital while laying off nearly every last employee.  Something no employee wants to hear.  Then what I'd advise is that they open three chains -- like Banana, Old Navy, and Gap.  With the JCP brand nowhere in sight.  There would be a Claiborne store for stylish men and women.  A St. John's Bay store for rural big & tall and old & frumpy types, complete with vintage cash registers.  A Fresh America store that would essentially be Joe Fresh plus the hip JCP brand & rotating Duros and Dreampops.  All three chains would have to offer compelling prices or not a one of them would survive.

You like that idea?  Forget it.  The type of people you'd need to make this work are leaving JCPenney.  Those that remain believe the traditional JCPenney brand is valuable.  It's not.  At all.  I learned this whenever I recommended the new JCP to the uninformed.  Child molestation would have been a more pleasing topic to their ears.  Hitler has a better brand.

I see no point in ranting about JCPenney when it was so much easier to rave about JCP.  It was really fun to point out awesome clothing at compelling prices.  To see a store concept that could render Macy's irrelevant in about five years.

I get that JCP didn't have the time and money to do that.  But as currents event reveal they didn't have the spine to do so either.  That they never really committed to this new vision.  Employees on the floor often said as much -- afraid of new.

Ever notice this sitting to the side of my every utterance --

Jog Noonshorn is an anagram of 'Go Ron Johnson!'  I didn't want him to literally go -- but there we are.  Worse -- there's no fanboy in me anymore.  My posts I start and discard are panboy.  And I'm simply not moved to beat a dying horse. 

I had a blog I was planning to transition to -- but to be honest -- it wouldn't be anyone's cup of tea here.  If that blog makes sense it will rise or fall on its own.  Like JCPonderings.com.   And I want to thank again the thousands of people that dropped by.  And the hundreds of regulars.  Very awesome indeed. 

There's something I've been dying to say, by the by.  If Ron Johnson had succeeded in making JCP a hit, I would have been a friend to you employees.  I couldn't fight for you during the transition but I planned to if it worked.  I've worked under Ron Johnson before and -- believe you me -- he could have paid us more money.  I had your back there.

And so I'll take my lead from the great Groucho Marx and say, "Hello -- I must be going."

There's no real reason to be surprised by this story --

I understand that JCPenney and Wall Street were underwhelmed by Nick.  But investors must remember that almost all shoppers were underwhelmed by JCPenney long before Ron and Nick strutted their stuff.  (Oh yeah...)

I'm one of the new customers Nick and Ron successfully reached.  And I'm not alone in this.  But with this expected news of Nick's departure it's more accurate to say that I was one of the new customers Nick and Ron did reach.  

If you're reading this Nick -- I'm too exhausted at the moment to write you a proper send off.  I will say two things --

1.  You forced me to throw out a lot of old clothes and stock my closet with some amazing sh!t.  You even forced me to finally remodel my closet.  No kidding.

and

2.  This favorite old song will now always remind me of your red shorts and unapologetic swagger --

I truly pity those that don't understand the miracles you pulled off within the nation's dullest chain of funeral homes.

It seems inappropriate to post much of anything related to JCP.  Whether the store survives the Johnson era and Ullman errors frankly means little to me in the wake of the tragic events in Boston yesterday.

Still -- the day after an ugly day it's important to remember how pretty things are everywhere.  Yesterday a friend of mine posted a lovely sunset at nearby Cape Cod yesterday.  Posted with apology -- as if this wasn't the time for pretty things. 

But of course it is.  

Yesterday I had to pick up an item at JCP I ordered off the web.  A pretty thing for the wifey.  While there I 'shopped' for her by taking pictures of brand new Joe Freshies.   They're not even on the site yet.  Check'em out --

The one on the left is impossibly thin but somehow %100 cotton.  Great for the hottest damn day of the summer.  The pants on the right might alarm you, but you can't appreciate them until you've seen them up close.  I think people who tattoo themselves can be so silly -- when you can buy any number of pants like this and fashion different 'tats' every day.

Such pretty things.  Designed by designers who want to bomb the world with style and color instead of pressure cookers and ball bearings.  Forgive me -- but so what if I like pretty things?

I'm a fan of Prince.  Or at least I was before he went Jehovah's Witness and lost that sexy groove.  Speaking of sexy grooves, here's an obscure Prince song as performed by Sheena Easton. 

On and on she goes on about 101 days. 

Well the Facebook page of JCPonderings just hit 101 likes.  Probably in as many days.

I'm touched.  Or at least what my therapists say...

So thanks everybody!

I don't know how much longer my Pondering will serve any relevance but I'll stick around until we know which direction JCP is going:  Cabin Creek or Continued Freak.  (Flo Stale or Joe Fresh?) 

By the by:  is it just me or is Sheena wearing this?

Maybe like me you've noticed that sticker prices in JCPenney have been rising.  Significantly so.  My favorite JCP has a home department on the third floor -- and the current prices having blasted by the Pantone and thru the mall roof.

We've been told this is happening because the coupons and sales that customers are back.  As customers demanded.

Yeah.  I'm not sure I'm buying one scoop of that shinola.  Unless they're saying that soon they'll be free $10 every ten minutes that will be coupled with frequent %30 of sales -- something fishy is going on.

Consider the following two items --

I just bought these for my Mother's early May birthday.  I sent them off now so that she has time to adjust sizes and colors if need be.  That's %100 lInen on the left and %100 cotton on the right.  I was never much of a fan of that violet voile until that turquoise top blue in on an ocean breeze.  (Alliteration and pun intended.)

I paid $14 for the birds and $25 for the stripes for total of $39.  Then I applied %20 off coupon.  Total -- $31.  Steal.

Now let's take a look at their current marked up prices --

Two pieces for $40.  Only a dollar more.  Times the same %20 for $32.  Only a dollar more.  But here's the catch --

-- that violet on the right isn't on sale at a JCPenney store.  It's labeled as $36.  If it rings up as $20 that may be too little too late.  In other words, said customer may have never brought it to the register.   Worse --

-- the %20 off sale (still in effect) is on a need to know basis.  The store doesn't have a huge sign saying %20 off everything.  No printed coupon, no discount baby.  And so the price for those customers is $56.  Not $31.  And I wish I had taken a picture of this, but I swear the bluebirdy shirt is $24 in store.  Bringing the total up to $60 clams.

Store prices and net prices should be identical.  Discounting can vary between store and net but customers should be told as much.  So that they don't get sucker punched as many customers are now complaining about?

Or is it just me...?

Don't believe anything you read by me suggesting otherwise.  I never said I was utterly reliable.  And yeah -- Friday's here and the stock hasn't tanked.  That doesn't mean it won't.  It just means -- like I said -- I'm not utterly reliable.

And yes -- it doesn't get lamer than watching someone play this cheesy ELO song on vinyl.  But if you can't forgive cheesy, then you can't be like me and others who forgave the old JCPenney and gave the new concept JCP a try.

Today I was writing my transitional post from one blog to another --  when one of my other projects demanded attention.  JCPonderings made me neglect that other project too much these last months but now no more.  So I back burnered this blog to attend to that project.   But, you know, some cool Ron Johnson era stuff is still rolling in --

-- and I couldn't resist sharing a quick steal.

Last weekend (mere hours before the Ullman funk bomb was dropped) my wifey and I were picking up a web delivery at our favorite JCP.  Once completed, wifey was (then) so enamored with the store she said let's look for a purse for me.

You don't know how shocked I was.  That I -- and Ron Johnson -- had so converted Anthrowifey to JCP. 

Truth be told:  I've never been a fan of most of the bags in the store.  Many can look as cheap as they're priced.  And so even Jog Noonshorn himself (me) had to say I don't think you're going to find anything here. 

We looked and looked for a nice Spring/Summer bag.  It can't be leather because she's kind to animals (and me).  Two or so bags (Liz, Relic) were near nice but near misses.  Even with our %20 off coupon it just didn't happen.

Well last night I went alone to a different JCP (yeah I'm kinda still addicted) to see if any items I liked had gone into clearance.  The JCP tees and shorts I could use some extras on -- especially holding the same coupon.  The tees were marked up to $14 from $10 (dumb@$$ pricing) and the shorts were the same price but very few sizes available.

On my way out, I stumbled on this --

Please note --

1.  It looks and feels like worn leather.  Soft to the touch.  (Not leather.)
2.  See the big obnoxious shiny metal logo on it?  Like many bags in JCP?  (No obnoxious shiny metal logo on it)
3.  Would you be willing to pay $40 for this cute little bag?  (Especially since it's only $25 right now before %20 off!)

I couldn't believe it was under $25.  I was told it's brand new to JCP.  And so I dropped it under one of those store scanners and it rang up at $35.  Do I need to tell you to nab this sucker before the site finds out? 

Oh -- the wifey loved it.  LOVED IT.  Did I mention it comes in other colors?

I hate to have the Ullman JCPenney profit from me plugging the work of the Johnson JCP --

-- but you may have noticed I can't quite commit to shutting up.


;-)

I presume this very sentiment has been in Ron's head every hour of every waking day for the last few months or so. 

Upon mad management's latest temper tantrum, this same idea is now at the forefront of my mind.  So much so that I decided to come out of JCPonderings retirement to say as much.

Think about it.  The entire discourse for the last 17 months has been can JCP be saved?  What's made this entire attempt at the impossible so terribly fascinating to me is what makes every stupid baseball movie terribly fascinating to anybody:  watch the world's saddest ragtag club of misfit baseball players beat impossible odds and win the series!

Impossible being the key word. 

But life isn't like movies and sometimes the team and coach simply don't win.  And there's no crying in baseball.  

So what should JCPenney do next?  F#%& JCPenney.  Seriously.  They're done.  Returning Coach Ullman wants to sell off assets to competitor?  It's over, and I say this with very real compassion to employees/stock holders of past and present. 

Coach Ullman couldn't leave the company in promising condition and neither could Coach Johnson.  Search the net and see if anyone is stating this truth.  You won't find it anywhere but here.  Instead you'll find Johnson bigots proclaiming he was too Starbucks for the Dunkin Donuts types.  Sure, but Coach Ullman was having trouble selling Dunkin Donuts.

Here's the thing.  Me (a straight frugal dude), my wife (a fashion industry expert), and my Mom (who shops thrift stores and Nordstroms like a shark) really liked the new JCP under Coach Johnson.  Since semi-signing off I've received many messages from women -- and men -- saying that I saw the new JCP the way they did & and fear for its demise.

What -- are we all stupid?  What Coach Johnson started can be finished anywhere.  Right?  In fact -- when you think about it this way -- isn't what Ron and his team were doing best suited for anywhere but JCPenneys?

(Brace yourself for one of my famed food analogies.)

Have you ever heard of my favorite Vegas pizzeria Settebello?

Without a doubt it's the best Starbucks-ian pizza chain in the nation.  It's a small chain, sure, but it's growing.  (Eat there daily and your butt will be growin' too... but I digress.)  No, seriously, it's impressive product at 'fair and square' prices.

(You just saw what I did there?  Yes -- I'm equating the new Ron's JCP styles and colors to this groovy pizza.)

Okay.  So -- staying within analogy -- imagine if Dominos wanted to spruce up their sad pizza chain.  And they hired Ron Johnson to do so.  And asked him to make every Dominos serve Settebello-like pizza.

You know what his answer should be?  F#%& Dominos.  Seriously.  I read somewhere that Ron's estimated worth is around half a billion dollars?  When this shinola hits your inner coconut, you've got to ask why Ron is even working.

Are you bored, Ron?  Really?  Drop me a line on this blog and I'll give you a real business challenge. 

Until then, I've got something harder for you to do but way more fun:  open your own clothing stores.  Not a thousand of them, mind you.  Five cities:  San Francisco, Los Angeles, NYC, Chicago, and Boston.  Make them insanely great.

I know, I know.  Wall Street is in tears laughing at that idea.  "If Ron couldn't save JCPenney -- how the hell does he expect to start a retail store?!?  ROFL!!!"  Ahem.  Jesus Christ couldn't save JCPenney.  All the Penney customers would be like, "Oh Lord, Oh Jesus, we love you like a dead Savior -- but those sandals you're wearing?  Any way I could nab a pair for $1?"

What screwed Ron over twice was listening to a board of pinheads.  And beasts that want free ugly stuff.

Ron -- your fans are people like me.  We want a FOREVER 21 for adults.  Isn't that basically all you were doing? 

FOROVER 31? 

Basically everything you and Nick and whoever were doing -- minus catering to the fashion frightened fatties.  Sears and Kohl's have them covered.  In burlap.  They have themselves covered in butter.  Kiss them bye bye.  Skip Disney, skip coffee, keep everyday prices, and -- yes my fellow white haired friend -- offer frequent deal closing coupons.

Ron has the money to open such a private enterprise.  His friends have even more.  He could even be a silent partner and let others stand up front until the thing took off.  What you were doing with your JCP can be replicated on a more successful smaller scale.  How do we know this?  This is the hindsight advice every Wall Street moron is now offering.

Look how you changed my wife's life, Ron Johnson.  Go ahead -- look.

An Xersion or two and the rest are JCP Slub City.  Yes, they were all inexpensive, but no -- my wife never used to wear such vibrant threads.  Your people helped me realize this life will be over soon enough and so why not have some fun?

That's me in a JCP dressing room.  Trying on Wooster's legendary flamboyant red shorts.  No, I'm not a closeted gay man.  I was just so wowed by the vibrancy of Ron's JCP I decided to try them on for kicks.  Sent a pic to my wife for fun.  The fabric and fit?  Way nicer than St. John's Bay shorts.  The price?  Less than $14 each at current promotional pricing. 

I got three:  navy blue, grey, and pair of the bright blue for Nick Wooster.

What I'm saying is that there are people like me who will follow this concept.  Why?  We have no other choice.

Well we did... until recently.

(For my kind readers -- my likely final post will be an announcement of where I'll be blogging next.  It will have nothing to do with fashion but everything to do with me and my big mouth.  If you've liked my political tone you'll love my new blog.)

When I started this blog just a few months back, I did so to support a staid company that was trying something amazing.  Before Ron Johnson's tenure at JCP, I had nowhere to shop.  Either I got great styles at high prices at Macy's and Banana Republic, or lousy styles at great prices at Eddie Bauer and JCPenney.

I've been well aware for ages that almost all clothes are-- regrettably -- manufactured overseas for next to nothing via legalized slave labor.  And so when companies expect us to pay over $50 for something that cost them less than $5,  I simply can't understand why some retailer couldn't manage the miracle of marrying great styles to great prices. 

Under Ron Johnson at JCP -- this miracle happened.  Yes, it's happened at FOREVER 21 and H&M for the kids, but not for middle-aged folks.  If you're over 30 and would like to fill your closet with affordable style --

-- you can do it right now at JCP.

The problem is that the board of pinheads in Plano Texas just 86'd the man who put this miracle together.  And they've since given every indication they intend to dismantle this very miracle and the swagger they were starting to strut.

If you've been lucky enough to miss the story of JCPenney's mad management, it goes a little something like this --

1.  Just 17 months ago, JCPenney was in serious trouble.  Under the CEOship of one Myron 'Mike' Ullman, the company's brand had become a collection of funeral homes for customers long in tooth, wide in girth, and short on cash.  Nothing makes a 62 year old Penney customer happier than buying a khaki tent from 1984 for $5 on clearance and wearing it as a dress.  Can you think of a better business model?  I'm surprised they weren't selling $20 caskets.

2.  The board decided to hire Apple Retail Guru Ron Johnson.  As I've often said in this blog and I'll say again:  note how I worded that.  The board hired Johnson.  It wasn't a corporate raid by Ron.  He didn't buy the company and take it over.  He didn't force his huge salary or ideas on anybody.  The board made a decision to pay huge bucks to a guy with some revolutionary ideas.   Well... revolutionary for JCPenney anyway.

The revolution?  Let's get young smartphone-ish customers into JCP and delight them with great prices on great styles.  Let's also cater a little less to customers long in tooth, wide in girth, and short on cash.  JCPenney will of course say they wanted both types of customers.  That would be a lie -- based upon every move they then made. 

3.  They hired openly out and left Ellen Degeneres with her young female demographic.  JCP ended St. John's Bay, Cabin Creek, and several other rednecked brands that the classic customers allegedly adored.  JCP hired a fleet of hip designers to roll in Dreampop, William Rast, L'Amour, Marchesa, and Joe Fresh.  They even brightened up their dim A.N.A and Liz store brand lines.  On top of all this they introduced a downright exciting JCP brand finally called... JCP -- daring to put a funeral home brand on top of live fireworks.

The message to everyone was crystal clear:  out with the old, in with the new.

4.  Here's where things get real interesting.  When the stock price and sales plummeted, suddenly, somehow... all these changes were strictly Ron Johnson's fault.  That he made all of these changes without the approval of the board. 

Really?  Do you believe that for a second? 

Even if it's true -- that the board  gave Ron Johnson carte blanche at mega-millions -- was that Ron's fault the mad management did this?  Even Ron Johnson haters should ask themselves if the morons that gave Johnson carte blanche at mega-millions are obviously 'smart' enough to fire Ron at the right time -- as well as find the right replacement? 

I wouldn't trust these pinheads to babysit a wet brick.

5.  There's a bit of JCP history you'll hear everywhere on the net except on my blog.  The reason why I don't quote this well worn tale is that it's complete fiction.  This 'history' goes like this --

I got that off Forbes but you can get this cut and paste history from anywhere.   The above is an albeit hyper brief history, but it makes the same omission mistakes.  These omissions provide the core understanding of what's been going on.

It fails to state that by simply hiring a new flashy 'revolutionary' CEO -- this act and this act alone would destroy the remaining confidence in a dying brand.  It would dismiss the existing customers 6-18 months before compelling alternative products were put in place.  If you're reading an article that never mentions this -- ignore the article.

The other omission is even worse:  Johnson's new everyday prices worked out to be a slight price hike on the same old merchandize JCP had trouble selling in the first place.  And the board let him do it -- or were too stupid to watch him.  But it was somehow Ron's fault they let him do it.  If you're reading an article that never mentions this -- ignore the article.

6.  With this knowledge you can understand what happened at JCP.  Ron Johnson and the board of pinheads alienated most customers during the first year of rebranding -- long before the new products arrived or took hold.  That is -- it was already over before it began. 

Of course sales plummeted, stocks deflated, and thousands lost their jobs.

7.  It's just been leaked that very recent sales have been down %10.  But that's just as coupons and such have returned.  In other words -- like almost every Wall Street article is now saying -- JCP needed to give these new products and prices until the end of the year.  That you can't go back but instead must hold on and always move forward.

Instead, the mad management let Ron go.  Do I need to repeat myself?    Once again:  this act and this act alone will destroy the remaining confidence in a dying brand.  And you can't blame Ron Johnson for this same mistake -- can you?

And who did they put in his place?!?  Someone with a name and reputation that would reassure newer customers and weary Wall Street?  Nope.  They chose the man in charge back when this all started.  Myron 'Mike' Ullman, the CEO of the previous collection of funeral homes.  The Jesus of customers long in tooth, wide in girth, and short on cash. 

If that's not mad management, baby -- what is?

Would you like a little future history?  Based upon the track record of these JCPenney board pinheads?

8.  Ullman isn't going to rush to reassure customers like me that Joe Fresh and our favorite new brands will stick around.  Why not?  If he did, why fire Ron Johnson?  Here's what the funeral parlor director had to say --

If I were an investor reading that, I'd know that I should have invested in Depends.  Because I just sh!t my pants at the words 'back to its prominence'.  If under Ullman JCPenney was prominent, why did they hire Ron Johnson?

And see how he didn't want to be specific?  That's because Ullman doesn't want to put his name on the new products.  This act and this act alone will destroy the remaining confidence of over half the merchandize in the store.

More future history --

9.  The stock will be around 11 by Friday.  Maybe 10.  I know nothing about stock.  What I do know is that mad management just relieved themselves on all the current merchandize.  By not standing behind it.  But pooping on it.

The board could have artfully benched Johnson.  Phase in someone who claimed to like what Ron was doing but had fresh ideas on how to make things even better.  Ron would be all smiles about her.  Yes, a lady would be a smart choice.  And since this is America you could pay her less than a man.  This lady would show up everywhere and discreetly nudge Ellen Degeneres to the side.  And then one day Ron Johnson would simply step aside and no one would care.

Was that really so hard?

Maybe I'm wrong about the stock.  Maybe they'll make some big announcements about going backwards and the stock will spike.  But it will be a brief.  There's no money to do go back.  Heck -- there's no money to go forward. 

But there's a ton of merchandize mad management just urinated on -- some of which is doing pretty okay. 

-----------------------

So what of me and JCPonderings?  This gig was always a hobby.  A celebration of Ron Johnson's dream of marrying great styles to great prices.  It was my intention to only do this for a year -- knowing JCP would fail or succeed in that time.

My wife and I have a closet of amazing stuff now.  We spent $700 last month alone.  That's what we formally spent for a quarter of the clothing items at other stores over a year.  We had no stock, no friends who worked for JCP, no connection to the new JCP except for amazement.  And faith in Ron Johnson -- who was sort of my boss once upon a retail. 

No one is perfect, but he wasn't all bad.

I'm going to back burner this site for a bit and get back to my other projects.  I want to thank my readers and financial informants (you know who you are -- lol) for their support during this peculiar blogging exercise.

Look at what all of us did together yesterday --

Over 2100 fools were willing to consider the ponderings of this fool, yours truly.

To the faithful yet imaginative employees who were capable of grasping what so many customers wouldn't -- you weren't wrong to feel excited.  I felt it too.  My wife dumped Anthropology because of it.  I went on a diet because of it.

You crazy retail kids got that rare taste of retail magic.  I had it when I worked at Apple retail under Ron in the early days.

My advice to you?  Contact this Joe Fresh page and tell them how much you wish to work in their eventual stand alone American stores.  Tell them you get it and can't wait to sell it.  That the dream is alive and well in you.

For you see -- employees that got the new JCP understand color and beauty.  Like the excited new customers you've met. We all share an appreciation for art -- whether you find it in a museum... or in a brand new shiny bright JCP.

I'm trying to find something hopeful to offer, honestly I am, but the initial image of JCPenney in freefall is inescapable. 

However, I can offer this:  once upon a time a board of pinheads let their CEO go.  This man used to be Ron Johnson's boss.  Steve Jobs came back to Apple and handed all of retail its ass. 

I wasn't convinced that Ron had a Steve Jobs in him -- but over these months I've learned that he has enough of a Steve Jobs in him.  And that for a man who was once part of Meryvn's (yuck) and Target (meh) he really upped his game. 

And so to Ron I say, hey dude, open your own retail clothing store.  This time make it way smaller, hire everyone you want, nobody you don't, and start with a few insanely great stores and a killer website. 

My wife and I will be your first two customers,

Jog Noonshorn

(If any of you have Ron Johnson's email address, give him an eHug for me.  And if you're in a generous mood please forward it to me -- because I'd really like to eShake his hand on a job well done.)